Life Motherhood

The Truth Behind the Smile


There was a point in time, when this girl did not exist. Her smile, her joy, was absent. I’m telling this story now because I know a lot of people might see this smile (or read my blog posts about wellness and ease) and never question that it was any other way…

It was 2015. We were due to move into our newly built house when, upon applying for our occupation certificate, it was uncovered that there was a critical error in the slab height and among other issues, the house was deemed non compliant with our DA and therefore legally uninhabitable. The options were to tear it down and start again, or fight council in Lands and Environment Court. Of course we fought, putting ourselves under huge emotional and financial stress.

The week before Christmas of 2015 the decision was handed down – in favour of council – it was the worst case scenario, we had exhausted all other options, our newly completed house was to be demolished. In the middle of all that, my dad had a critical injury in a water skiing accident while on holiday down the coast on his 60th birthday and had to be air lifted to hospital, and… my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer.

During this time, I found it difficult to muster a smile. I was so withdrawn from life that I avoided seeing friends because I didn’t have the energy to pretend I was happy, to deal with their happiness, or to listen to anyone talk about surface level stress. I didn’t feel like anyone could possibly relate to what we were going through, and I had lost access to my creative, bubbly, funny self. I felt watered down, bland, blank. The self staring back at me in the mirror was no longer the girl I had always been.

I would bawl in the shower every night and when it all bubbled over I let off steam the only way I felt I could… screaming at the top of my lungs, on my own, in the car, as I drove down the freeway. I realise in hind sight there was panic attacks too, feeling like I couldn’t breath as I gasped for air in between the sobbing. And yet, when asked how I was, the response was always the same… “I’m good, thanks“. It was too hard and too complicated to discuss and so I internalised my feelings and often made myself physically sick.

It was at this point in time feeling like my life was completely out of control that I realised I had to take control of what was going on INSIDE for fear of where that spiral would lead, and both Mitch and I learnt to meditate.

Almost immediately after we learnt the Vedic technique things started to shift. I felt immediate relief within myself and all.of.the.things started to fall into place. We still had a house to rebuild, but somehow this enormously stressful task felt manageable and thankfully and most importantly both my parents had a full recovery.

Life is not suppose to be a shit fight, but when we ignore the subtle cues of the universe we end up so far from our natural order that there needs to be a BIG course correction. All too often it means that things need to get VERY LOUD in order for us to take notice. Things had definitely gotten loud for us.

Four years on we can look back at that whole chapter and see that it was all meant to happen in exactly the way that it did, on so many levels. Our plan all along was to finish that build, move in and start a family. But, I wasn’t ready for that and it would not have ended well. I see that now. And so, we were guided in the direction we needed to go and as uncomfortable as that was at the time it has lead me to this practice and to life changing lessons.

I have continued to advance my practice since learning back in 2015, with advanced techniques and retreats, and our life has been filled with so much sparkle and serendipity. We’ve travelled to 10 countries across 4 major overseas trips and had some of the most expansive experiences of our lives including the midnight sun in Norway, and sunrise over the Himalayas in India. Above all else I gave myself time to dive deep in order to ready myself for motherhood.

In 2019, having just turned 33 and as a new mumma, I can honestly say that I am happier and more grateful than I have ever been, and have absolute and unwavering trust in the universe to deliver precisely the experience we need to have in order to expand, evolve and enjoy our best life. In an instagram world full of fake and misleading content I can promise you that my smile and my message is my most authentic self. I feel truly aligned with nature and my purpose in this lifetime, and I want that feeling for everyone.

If you have any questions about my experience, please ask. I’m now in a place where I love love love to talk about it.

N x

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