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It feels so good to finally let the cat out of the bag. I’m 16 weeks and it feels SO good.
Some of you might recall last year I shared one of my most personal posts when I opened up about why I was afraid to have kids. In this post I shared how I had struggled for the better part of a decade with the idea of starting a family, and how a very special book changed it all for me. I was entering into 2018 with absolutely no expectations of falling pregnant, but a warm fuzzy feeling that if it happens – I finally felt ready.
I not only feel ready, I feel great! I actually haven’t had any real morning sickness – a little bit queasy occasionally, and I did get smashed with the flu and then a cold, and then another flu in my first trimester. But, I’m grateful and blessed with the timing and know that everything I’m experiencing (including the unique immunological conditions caused by pregnancy) is a gift of nature and an expression of what my amazing body is capable of.
Throughout my pregnancy I’m going to be focused on inside-out activities with meditation and diet, and outside-in activities with rounding, pilates, acupuncture and massage among other things…
There’s a wonderful analogy relating our wellbeing. If we want a tree to grow, flourish and bear fruit, you don’t water the branches. You water the roots. It’s the structure under the ground, the stuff we can’t see that forms the entire foundation for the health of the tree; what we see above ground and the quality of the fruit it bears. In the same way, we can’t expect to experience ease in life, abundance, health and happiness in our outside world if we aren’t first focusing inward.
This has been a huge part of my focus in everyday life for the past 2+ years, and has become my biggest priority during this pregnancy and for every day of motherhood.
People have said to me “oh my gosh you’re so lucky you haven’t had morning sickness” and my response has been ‘ohhh I know, my mum suffered horribly with ‘all-day’ sickness for both my sister & I, and my sister suffered with both of her boys too!’ then I stop and think – hmm wait, what have I done differently? … well, I’ve been practicing vedic meditation twice a day, almost every day, for over two years. I suppose I’ll never know for sure if that’s made all the difference but I definitely believe that the work I’ve done on ‘my root system’ has definitely had some impact on my experience so far. In fact, I fell pregnant almost exactly one month after I attended a long-weekend meditation retreat back in March… more evidence that the magic happens when you focus inward.
I’m trying so hard to have a conscious pregnancy. To be aware of what I’m feeling, and to do all of the things to limit my stress responses as (so I’ve read) bio chemicals can been found to permeate the uterus forming the basis of our babies’ experience in the womb.
Unfortunately, life throws curve balls and the same week of my 12 week scan by beautiful Aunt passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. She left us on the Friday, and I had planned to call her Saturday morning to tell her I was pregnant. I missed her by a day. Even as I write this blog post in the sun filled café I’m wiping away tears. It has been one of the toughest times of my life.
Life. Its everything. It’s all of the emotions, it’s joy and the pain. Through this loss, I realise the timing of this baby and the hope, the happiness it’s been able to bring my family at one of the most difficult times of our collective lives… is a gift from the universe. The sound of that tiny heart beating on the ultrasound. The circle of life.
All at once I realise through this journey of motherhood I’ll never be able to protect my child from the pain of the world. Not even in the womb. Bub would have been experiencing all of the feels while the tears kept falling, but – that’s ok. I gave myself permission to feel it all, working through this past few weeks with the tools at my disposal, reminding myself bub was happy and healthy at my 12 week scan and he/she would be just fine.
Moving through the grief, I’m getting stuck into Pilates which I’m LOVING. I’m so excited to share more of my experience… I really feel like I’ve found “my thing”. I also went to acupuncture for the first time ever last week and excited to continue with an acupuncture Mother’s program right up until the birth. I’m also due to head to Byron next week for another Meditation retreat. So excited for all of the benefits this holistic work will bring to myself, and my bub.
Time will tell how the rest of my pregnancy, labour, birth and motherhood pans out… all I know at this point is that life as we know it will be forever changed. This. This is life now. I’m filled with so much love, so much admiration for my body, and so much awe for the universe. It’s nothing other than magic.
I’m excited to share the rest of my journey, my attempts to have a calm pregnancy, a calm birth and cultivate a calm home. It’s my slow living journey + a baby. This should be fun.
Finally, from Mitch and I, THANK YOU, for all of the messages of love, support and congratulations during what’s been an incredibly difficult and yet incredibly exciting time.
Life truly is a beautiful ride.